Want to lose 7 pounds in 7 days? Want super-duper extra shiny hair? Want that rosy glow? Just follow my step-by-step beauty plan and all of this can be yours!
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Send your two-year old to daycare everyday. This will give him/her the opportunity to be around as many other children as possible...and bring lovely little germs home as a special gift to YOU!
Love on said child as much as possible each day after work. You don't get to see that precious angel enough as it is, so let her kiss you and snuggle with you as much as possible!
Now here is where the fun begins! Wake up the next day and start coughing. That's right, cough! Now keep it up all day long. The benefits of this are 3-fold; it burns calories, it brings a rush of blood to your head resulting in a rosy complexion, and the best part of all is that sultry, sexy Demi Moore voice that men just love!
Next, get the chills. All of that shaking burns even more calories!
Cover up with lots and lots of blankets to get warm. Keep shaking under all of those blankets to get warm even faster – burning even more calories!!
Fall asleep. Any sleep is beauty sleep, right? And if you are sleeping, you aren't eating!
Get that body temperature up. 102, 103, somewhere in that range. My husband said that at this temperature I had REALLY pink cheeks. Wow, I'm looking great, losing weight, AND saving money on make-up...SCORE!
Now, let that fever break baby! This is where the weight really starts to come off. I mean start sweating as much as you possibly can. Can't you just feel that water weight disappearing? (And your skin will be glistening too!) I really can't reinforce just how important this step is!
A GREAT way to keep from eating too many snacks as you are enjoying the day “lounging” is to get a sinus infection sooooo bad that your teeth and gums ache. (This one really works!)
Another personal favorite appetite suppressant is POST NASAL DRIP – enough said.
Now, be sure to repeat these steps...FOR DAYS! At least 3 is a must. This will result in that really, really, super-duper shiny hair I mentioned earlier. My hair was so shiny that my husband even commented about how super-duper shiny it was. Isn't he thoughtful?
Next, give in and go to the doctor. The fresh air is good for your skin, and this counts as exercise.
Get MEDICATED! There is nothing like an 875 mg. antibiotic to keep you from eating. And then there's the “high test” cough syrup. I know there are calories in there ladies, but fear not! It will make you so loopy that your fork will not find its way to your mouth for a while.
Constantly blow your nose. The constant motion of bringing your hands to your face builds biceps. And that rosy glow is sure to return.
Repeat all of the above steps for at least 3 more days.
And there you have it...it's that simple. Follow these sure-fire steps and you too will be losing weight and looking great in no time!
4 comments:
You have been on my mind and in my thoughts. Debbye and I talked about you during our outing today (Saturday).
As soon as we got home this evening, I opened your blog and found myself laughing hysterically through your hilarious, albeit truthful tips!
I am so sorry that you've been sick, but as always, you manage to find the humor and joy in each day.
I love and adore you!
Kat
P.S. Give "Little Bits" a hug and kiss from YaYa!
I truly believe you should send this to that woman's magazine that gives all those diet and beauty tips. This could bring you bucks...or maybe Parents Magazine as I am sure all mom's can relate. Feel better soon and keep it lite*******Love Mom/nana
So sorry you have been sick but LOL
Hi Dede! LOL You have us in stitches!! We need to keep our sense of humour:) Hope you feel better soon, and Happy Valentines Day :) Jenn and Jacqui
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